Harry Hunting
by Phorcys
Summary: Harry is being chased by over-enthusiastic over-sexed and seriously suicidal Hogwarts students. They will do anything to get their man. Preferably tied to bed with handcuffs.Brand Spanking New Chapter.
1. Folsom Prison Blues

**_Harry Hunting_**

I have split the story which was previously under the title of 'The Kindly Ones' in half. This story is called Harry Hunting. I have removed the parts that mention the other story from it. When I read back through the whole thing I noticed that there were so few mentions of the original plot line sowith this split you have Harry beeing hunted down by sex crazed fans and in the other which is still called 'The Kindly Ones' you will find the original Harry magical creature Draco slash. I will finish this story, which will have another six chapters before I get into finishing 'The Kindly Ones'

Please reread both as I have gone over them and fixed some problems that I could find.

Harry Does Hogwarts.  
How about that title?

Disclaimer

I own nothing, nothing, If you recognise it I have no right to talk about it. But you can't do anything about it. Ha, Ha, Ha, ha.

"Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel"  
-Odysseus

The central train station in London was filled with busy travellers. Harry Potter could barely push his way through. He had been able to catch a taxi from the Leaky Cauldron where Vernon had dropped him off yesterday.. Harry stopped himself before he could hope the day could be all right. it was only a short step to tempting fate that way. Harry had been noticing some of the travellers in the station giving him glances and watching him. But that could just be because he had an owl in a cage those tend to stick out like a sore thumb. As he drew to the pillar that would lead onto platform 93/4 Harry hoped that that the day would turn out fine. Oh no he did it again. Stupid Harry, don't temp fate she likes it. In fact she'll probably ;think up something new and unusual just for him.

Passing through the pillar a cloud of steam from the Hogwarts express clouded his vision for a second. As soon as his vision cleared he could see the hundreds of students running around wishing their parents goodbye and meeting friends. As he stepped through the smoke someone came in behind him attempting to get through onto the platform. With a push he was forced forward and slammed forward into the ground, knocking his head on the concrete. The person behind him apologised quickly and raced off shouting to a friend.

The crowd surrounding Harry were not as shocked as you would think if a teenage boy collapsed in the middle of a train platform. A small group of Slytherin further up the platform spotting Harry fold and cheered. In fact some of the more enterprising Ravenclaws had a pool going for how long into the term it would take for Harry Potter to faint, Scream in class, tell everyone Voldemort was out to get him, be caught out of bounds, breaking curfew, and a variety of other events which all ways happened through out the year. There were even some long shot bets that had been sitting in the books since first year, such as Harry getting laid at anytime during the year, Snape giving him house points, and telling Dumbledore where to stuff it when he had to face Voldemort before summer holiday. It was 2000 to 1 odds that Voldemort would just shot the boy-that -lived in the first week of school. A small group of Slytherin and Ravenclaw had it at 10 to 1 that Harry would collapse as soon as steeped through the pillar to the train.

Hermione and Ron who had arrived earlier having taken into account what early morning traffic in London would be like rushed over to the down Gryffindor. "Ron, did you bring any water with you?"

"What I thought you'd have some your the responsible one."

"Ron, I asked you if you had any water if you don't then just get some from that bubbler over there now." A grumbling Ron walked off.

"Harry, Harry, I'm surprised Dumbledore never made you wear a helmet the amount of times you fall of your face. It's worse than narcolepsy." Ron came back to the knelling Hermione and handed her a paper cup. Harry groaned and held a hand to his head. "Thankyou Hermione I don't know where I would be if you weren't there to always help." Smiling up at the now satisfied witch Harry slowly got up.

Smiling at his two friend's he stood up and leaned against his trunk. "Hi guys, what are you up too?"

"Harry are you all right it wasn't anything to do with you know who." Harry scowled then removed the look from his face.

"Thankyou for caring but no, it's just the Dursley's they haven't really been feeding me all holidays I'm faint with hunger." Placing the back of one hand to his head Harry laughed. "You would think they would feed me by now."

"Well you know your relatives would be hard put to take their heads out of their own arses and do anything."

"Yeah Harry, when your allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts I want to be their." I mental image appeared in Harry's mind, I wonder if there is a spell which will let him shove Vernon's head up his own arse.

Getting onto the train was easy it was putting up with the idiots who somehow still saw him as a celebrity that pissed him off. From his mind a picture of a show he had caught a glance of while he was at home came to him 'Celebrity's Gone Wild' 'I wonder if there's a magic version. 'Wizards Gone Wild.' Paris Hilton would probably turn up on that version as well. Settling back in an empty area. Ron, Hermione and Harry talked about their holiday and what they were going to do at school. Thoughts of Voldemort for the moment pushed away because you can't be depressed all the time even if you try really hard. There's some good drugs for that.

Hermione had been named a prefect this year and was called way from the carriage to join the others in a meeting. Sitting back after the food cart had gone around, Ron and Harry were chowing down on a selection of enough magical food to make a Yeti ill. "So, Ron. Have you made a move on Hermione yet?" Ron started choking on the chocolate he had just eaten.

"What you know no sexual contact is allowed in Hogwarts. People burnt the book because their were witches hell knows what there would be if we started acting our age" "Okay, so I'll assume you spent the time jerking off to porno then." A disappointed Ron sighed and stared at the carpet.

"Yeah, but it was good porno." Ron said justify himself to Harry.

"You could never be as bad as Dudley he discovered internet porn over the term while he was at school this year the sound fucking echoed into my room. There are some noises that are just wrong. Have you heard a donkey cry?"

"Stop, Stop, thanks for sharing that mental. As if I needed that."

"I just thought I should share." Harry laughed at the look on Ron's face. He wouldn't tell him about when Vernon discovered his sons collection and had a private screening while Petunia had been out. Father and son should not be that close.

"Have you heard anything from Dumbledore while you were home?" Harry picked up a chocolate frog and bit off it's head .

"No, I swear that guy is off his medication. With what happened last year I would have thought that there would be more stuff happening but all I got was a postcard after my birthday telling me what a great time he was having in Fiji. In lives in a fucking world of his own."

A noise from outside the cart made the boys turn and watch as Draco Malfoy, walked in. A/N and here is the customary description of a new and improved Malfoy with multiple attachments. Over the summer, Malfoy had changed as most teenagers do. His once short white blond hair fell in a sharp cut to his chin. The once pinched and sour face looked refined, a golden glow graced his skin. The Malfoy manor's gym had been liberally used by the prince of Slytherine. In fact he looked extremely hot. A/N How was that?.  
Which explained the fact several Slytherine females were hanging off his arms. "So, Weasel and Scarhead back for another year." Harry sighed .

"Look Malfoy, think about what you just said. Are you kidding yourself you sound like a eight year old all you do is act sarcastic and cause problems. What the hell are you going to do when you have think for your self?" " The perfection of Malfoy's brow was marred for a second by a frown.

" Potter, I may seem to be a two dimensional figure at times but I do think for myself and you and the Weasel really are pathetic." A miffed Malfoy turned his perfect nose up and stormed out of the room.

As Harry sat watching out the window he could see the passing countryside flow past. Ron had crawled up on his seat and was fast asleep every so often Harry could hear some mumbling. "No Mum, they're educational. . . . no don't take them . . . " If fate didn't shit on him from above then this year may work out, but it was Murphy's law in action when you looked at his life. He was sure that some where in the world there was someone was living the life he should of got. They probably had a loving family, no creepy genetic family secret, and no arch enemy. If he ever met the bastard he was going to beat the crap out of them. Since stepping through the pillar to platform 9 3/4 a new part of his mind was telling me that maybe he would have been better if he had just taken a train to some place else any place else. For all that Hogwarts was meant to be so safe, he had been attacked by Voldemort's forces every time he went to school. Standing in the middle of the freeway looked safer than Hogwarts to him at the moment . No one was going to force him to do anything. Harry leant his eyes into the palms of his hands and rubbed. For all he knew this year, the entire school would turn in to ravening zombies and hunt him down on Halloween. Thumping his head against the window Harry hoped nothing happened to push him. If fucking Malfoy turned up at them moment fuck cursing the little bastard he was going to rip out his windpipe and beat him to death.

Authors Note

Okay, I have taken the five last chapters of The kindly one have gone through them and they are now a seperate story which will run for ten or so chapters. That means the first five are nearly the same. I will finish the kindly ones the whole plot line was not working with this. I want to thank everyone who reviewed this plot. Now here it is without the other plot.

Please Review and tell me what you want to happen to Harry and the hunters.


	2. Runners Take Your Mark

Harry Hunting 

_Chapter Two_

**Runners Take Your Mark**

Disclaimer  
What I don't own Harry Potter, Then I was deluding myself all these years. I knew the pink Elephant was lying.

With the Itching of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.  
Witches: Macbeth

It was night time at the beginning of another term at Hogwarts for Harry Potter. The introductory feast had passed with out incident and so people that he placed bets on Harry creating a scene had lost money making the Ravenclaw betting ring happy. Harry Potter was helping some kids put their kids through school. This year the sleeping positions were split into double rooms with only two people sharing a single room. Harry and Ron had settled their stuff in quickly and had spent the rest of the night sharing well worn copies of pornos, obviously for the articles. Those jokes are funny. After Ron had finally fallen asleep, with his curtains firmly closed and his favourite mag in hand. Harry was left sitting in the seat under the window staring down at the long grass leading down to the lake. 'If Ron didn't look out he was going to have hair on the palms of his hands so thick he would need to comb it.'Another year another irritating hat song, and food that would send any one on an Atkins diet off the wagon. This summer Petunia had been fascinated with the no carbs diet craze. Giving Harry an unnatural hunger for potatoes by the time he got to Hogwarts. Late one night when he had told everyone he was working late he swore he saw Vernon sneaking into the house with a paper wrapped pack of hot chips.

In a room not the far away from Harry a group of people sat around a table plotting to take over the world. Woops wrong room we want the one next to it. In a room slightly further away from Harry, who was doing the depressed brooding hero thing. A group of six committed; in both senses of the word, Harry Potter fans sat around a table plotting the hunt and eventual capture of their sex god Harry Potter.

"So, did you see him this year, he looked so yummy."

"Yeah he has the whole sickly Victorian poet look going for him."

"Oww could you see him in one of those big white shirts with the puffy sleeves."

The room is quiet for a moment as everyone pictures Harry in a Puffy shirt.

"Okay so were agreed this year we aren't going to look from afar we are going to catch Harry no matter what."

"Yeah, who knows he might be killed before the end of term."

"No way, he kicks Voldemort's butt all the time."

"Yeah, but you don't know in the big fight some thing could go wrong. We gotta be careful of our Harry."

"So we're agreed were going to do what ever to get Harry into bed and fuck him ten ways to Sunday"

"Oww not like that, we are going to make love to Harry ."

"And . . . . "

" Okay, and fuck him ten ways to Sunday."

"Oh sure, I've been collecting this stuff since second year, like there was this really cute spiked collar and chain with emerald green inlay that I just had to buy."

"That is going to look so awesome on him."

"I saw this adorable little miniature whip. It's so handy it fits in your pocket and you can get your name written in gold leaf on the handle."

"Oh, you so have to let me borrow that catelouge, Iknow just the person who would love that as a chrixtmas present."

"First thing someone has to get his class timetable, and his room position."

"Your in Gryffindor so you do it."

"Okay, and I think I can get a hold of some of his underwear like last year."

"Do you still have that book on voodoo love potions."

"I did have it but I think I leant it to a friend."

"So are we all set to seduce and subdue Harry Potter."

"Yeah"

"Do we get to synchronise our watches."

"What"

"Its a Muggle thing."

"Oh, Okay"

"So has anyone seen the latest Harry Potter fan club news letter."

"Not yet, what's in it?"

"Oh there's this really cool quiz if you could be Harry's pet what would you be."

Let us leave this room before the occupants start talking about topics no one dears to contemplate knowing.

The next day Harry crept into the shared male bathrooms. Thanking what ever god that the showers all had their own sealed stall. All he needed was for someone to see the bruises and marks from the Dursleys and he could see the shit rain down. Ron had just left when he entered and the mirrors were all steamed up Harry's glasses fogged up he couldn't see and had to wipe them clear. Since he got a look at himself at the Dursley's he seemed to have filled out noticeably , not massively so but he didn't look like he act as a stand in for famine victim on a 40hour famine ad. It paid of sometimes to be used as a work horse. But then again sitting inside watching T.V is also a good occupation. "Fuck it." Harry grumbled to himself. A voice spoke from behind him.

"You never have been a morning person have you." Seamus was walking in to the bathroom to have a shower.

"No not really the day hasn't really started for me until I've had a shower. Everything before that is a strange blur with moving bits." Harry walked into one of the stalls and started up the shower. Pulling out his shampoo and soap Harry, was careful of any marks on his body, years of experience had taught him to be careful. It was the start of his first day of classes and he hoped that everything would work out. Oh no he tempted fate. "Hey Harry you all right. you haven't drowned in there." Seamus shouted over the sound of their showers as he heard a thick thudding noise from Harry's shower booth. Harry stopped banging his head against the wall.

"No everything's fucking lovely."

It was the first class of the new year and Harry was slinking into his first period Potions carefully trying to keep his head down and not be noticed by Snape. Fate who heard his unspoken prayer cackled to her self picked up another bucket of buttered popcorn settled back in her easy chair and stuck her foot out. Harry who had been carefully easing himself into his customary seat tripped and sent his potions equipment flying in twelve directions. Snape who had been at the front of the room preparing the paperwork for the class turned around sharply spotting a flustered Harry trying to pick up his scattered books, and tools. A notebook had slid under a desk and he dove down to get it. "Potter, I can see that you have graced us with your glorified presence for another year." Harry grabbed the notepad,

"Yes sir, I was just being my clumsy stupid, self. " Snape scowled

"If this is heralding the rest of the year I don't know if we'll all survive." Harry just grinned and picked the rest of his stuff and thought to himself 'You slimly little git, why don't you get over yourself. Most people manage to realise that high school is not the end all and be all of life. Everything you do in life does not centre of what happened in high school. Just Get A Life.' _A/N_ that may be a little bit of my own venting there.  
Sitting down at his table Snape picked up a sheet of parchment from his desk. "This year to better prepare you for you're exams I have picked your lab partners personally to better help you comprehend the complexities of potion brewing and enhance your dexterity with ingredient management."

FLASHBACK

Snape very drunk the night before dressed in a red, and black smoking jacket style dressing gown, singing to himself, " _. . . .and most of all it's true, I did it mmmyyyyyy wayyyy._ ' before him stuck on the wall of his office are two lists of the Slytherine and Gryffindor pupils for his potions class. In one of his hands is a dart in the other is a long tall bloody Mary.

END FLASHBACK

"The pairing's for class assignments are, Zambini with Weasley," Harry held his breath maybe there would be an odd one out and he could work by himself "Goyle with Seamus, Malfoy with Granger, Potter, with Parkinson." Harry slumped down in his chair. 'well at least it's not Malfoy, Crabbe or Goyle." and Crabbe with Longbottom. I Hope with these partners you will learn together and thus increase your marks. But I truly doubt that this will occur." The class shuffled over into the new pairings, some arguments arose over who was shifting over with who. Harry walked over to Parkinson's table as she had not been sitting with anyone.

"So, read any good books lately." Pansy sneered, 'I swear the Slytherines must be handed out a pamphlet on ways to be condescending and just general pains in the arse to others when they join up.

"Potter, I'm going to be blunt from the beginning. Snape hates your guts being your partner places me in the line of fire. If you fell off a cliff right now I couldn't be happier. So please don't do anything while I'm with you to catch his attention." A sudden urge comes over Harry to get up on the desk and start singing show tunes at the top of his voice. Under his breath Harry starts to hum as he sets up his equipment and is ignored by Pansy

"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today I going to be a part of it New York, New York." From the front of the class while the student body is busy annoying the hell out of each other Snape reached into a small drawer and slyly pulls out a small silver hip flask and takes a quick nip.

Authors Note

I will put up the last few chapters I have already written tommorow. Then I will start on the new ones. Suggestions are appreciated for how you want the six to hunt down Harry.

To anyone who does not like my spelling and structure, please tell me or even better become my beta for the story. That way you can make sure others do not suffer.

Snape is not going to be a Lush but I have to say that if you had to teach these kids you would start taking some Dutch courage before class as well. I'm trying to think up a name for the group who are going to be hunting Harry down to make him their sex toy. If any one comes up with a good name I would be really grateful for suggestions

Warning Kids the Atkins diet does not work. Over the short term you lose weight but it can not last. While it is not the stupidest diet it rates up there with ways relatively sane people go about hurting themselves. I have had friends go one this diet and it DID NOT WORK.

Please Review pretty please if not for me think of the starving kittens.


	3. Think Happy Thoughts

Harry Hunting

Chapter Three

**Think Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts**

_And so the hunt begins . . . ._

Disclaimer

I own nothing. No matter what they tell you I own nothing.

" 'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute term."

Baron Frank N. Furter

After potions where Harry wasn't surprised to get a detention with Snape. You know for a guy who is meant hate his guts they sure do spend enough time together. He had, had charms and Herbology. While Potions had made him question the unwritten rule saying that it was a bad idea to gut your teacher. The rest of the day had made him perk up. He may die a slow and painful death by magical means, but at least he would be well educated at the Sitting opposite from Hermione and Ron, Harry made sure that none of the professors at the high table were checking him out so as to later kill him and started eating. "What did you get up too during the holidays?" Ahh a question that inane could only come from one source. The answer that surged to the front of his mind was, 'Oh I don't know hunting my bastard of an Uncle down with a rusty axe like the dog he is.' Ron sat there waiting for Harry's reply.

"Nothing happened. I did a lot of house work like usual and enjoyed catching up on assignments." Harry wasn't surprised when Ron accepted this.

" You know Harry I was wondering just between us.' Ron lowered his voice. "Do you reckon you could scream and faint during next Tuesday's Potion class. It's just that I got Neville to put a bet down and I saw this great new cannons team shirt that's for sale. If you do that I'll have enough money to buy it. Come on mate, Please." Hermione turned and looked at Ron,

"Ron, you know you shouldn't ask Harry to do that for you it is completely wrong and underhanded. I can't believe those Ravenclaws still have that betting pool going." Ron dropped his cutlery.

"Your just sore cause you placed that bet that Harry would get it off with Cho and you lost money." Hermione faced Harry and held out a hand.

"That is completely untrue Harry I would never gamble over your life." Pulling himself out from the table Harry just shook his head.

"If I tell you what I'm going to do I would have to split the money." Leaving the dinning hall Harry went off to enjoy his first detention of the year.

Walking through Hogwarts Harry was glad he didn't have to clean the place it had more dust collectors then anywhere he had ever seen. Everyone had retired to their respective common rooms and the school was quiet. There should really be a central common room where everyone could gather that would cut back on the hose rivalries, maybe. Anyway the school was quiet and as Harry walked back from first detention, he rolled his shoulders, the ache had stayed in his back and it was a real pain. In the distance Harry could hear something, at least he didn't have to worry about Filch giving him another detention he had a reason for once to be out this late. A noise was echoing through the hallway. At the moment he was passing near the transfiguration classrooms which reminded him he really needed to fix up that assignment that he should have done during the holiday. It was all right if McGonagall was in the right mood he could usually charm here in to giving him an extension. The noises were getting louder it was a heavy thudding noise and he could hear voices. As he got closer to McGonagalls classroom the sounds got louder and louder. Suddenly Harry heard a scream.

Lets take a moment here, now there are three types of people, there are the people who run to help the person screaming, there are the people who run away, and then there are the people who run to look at what's happening to the person screaming point and take photos. Three guesses which one Harry is and the first two don't count?

Running down the corridor, Harry wondered why Filch hadn't turned up to give the people detentions. The pictures on the walls were all strangely not surprised in fact Harry though he caught one portrait out the corner of his eye wearing earmuffs to keep out the noise. As he reached the door to McGonagall's classroom Harry swung to a stop grabbing the door frame to stop himself. The sounds were coming from inside in fact it sounded as if someone was beating another person the heavy thumps of flesh hitting flesh could be heard. The door into the Transfiguration classroom was blocked with a locking spell but with a little work Harry was able to break it. Easing the door open Harry rushed in.

In a dark section of Hogwarts library not that far from the restricted section, only used by seriously horny or tired students. A table was covered by piles of scattered parchment, and the six people sitting around it were totally centred on their reading. An occupied voice spoke up. "Did you know that in 1768 it was rumoured that the entire sixth and seventh years of both Ravenclaw and Slytherine had an orgy in Slyrtherine's common room. It was followed closely by the great Chlamydia outbreak in the winter of 1769." No one looks up from their books and the person stops talking. "You would think Hogwarts: A History would have that in it."

"What the hell are you reading?" someone's head pokes up from their book.

"Oh, it's a unofficial history of Hogwarts it was written by a, you could say dissatisfied Magical Creature teacher who was fired over rumours that she was getting over attached to a certain Hippogriff."

"Why the hell are you reading it?"

"Well, I though that I might find inspiration between it's pages of how I could approach Harry."

"Who says your the one who's going to get Harry?"

"I think it's obvious that those with the best knowledge of the circumstances and have read every sexual aid book in the restricted section should have a certain advantage over others." The rest of the group now have their books; which now that we take a better look are not so much text books as they are soft core porn and Cosmo.

"Who says that you can get Harry, I thought we agreed that I would have him as I know him best."

"What you've hardly said two words to him since first year." The person who had been reading Hogwarts: Uncut sighs and places the book carefully on the table.

"She's right what makes you special."

"I think me and Harry have a deep and unbreakable bond."

"Bullshit your just saying that because you have those picture's Colin Creevy got of him in the shower last year that you won't share." At this point everyone at the table starts to declare their right to be Harry's first. It could be a Jerry Springer moment, but is saved at the last moment when the reader of Hogwarts: Uncut pulls her wand out and sends a small soundless firework off in the centre of the table.

"Look I have an idea, why don't we each try to get Harry. I'll write everyone's' names on a piece of paper we pull them out of a hat and in that order we each try and catch him."

"I don't know what happens if someone catches him before I get a turn."

"Well, you have to promise not to keep him if you catch him you get a week then you have to pass him on."

"Don't you think that's kind of demeaning to Harry." The five other people swing around in their seats and almost shout.

"NO"

"Okay"

"I have aHarry Potter notebook,if you can get him in a puffy shirt and get a picture."

"But we still have a meeting on Friday don't we?"

"Of course we do." After everyone scrambles to write there names down and pass them to the undeclared organiser there is silence as the girl pulls out the first name.

Hermione had been staying late at the library not studying as some people may assume there are other things you can do with books besides study. Her parents had sent her the latest in a book series she had been reading, and she really didn't want to read it in the same room as four other people. It was Laurell. K Hamilton Anita Blake Vampire Hunter, the latest book Incubus Dreams had tried to fix up the problems that the author had created in the last few books. It was interesting. Luckily her parents didn't check her books for content. Like some people she knew. Walking through the fat lady's portrait Hermione was surprised when she wasn't the only person awake. Someone was sitting in a large chair staring into the fire, rocking backwards and forwards. As Hermione crept closer not wanting to startle the obviously frighten youth she heard mutterings. "Wrong, wrong, bad, bad, bad wrong, wrong, wrong." Slowly she placed a hand in the shoulder of the trembling boy. Shocked the person turned around "Epp" it was Harry and the look on his face can only be compared to a man who had hand glided over Hell.

"Harry what's wrong." Hermione sat down next to Harry keeping her hands at her side as Harry flinched from her touch.

"Do, . . . do you think you could Obliviate me."

"What no, Harry what happened?" Harry started to rock back wards and forwards again clutching his knees to his chest.

"Beautiful Fairies that live at the bottom of the garden, the beautiful fairies that live at the bottom of the garden." Hermione gently placed a hand on the back of Harry's chair. "Harry do you think you can talk about it, or should I get Mcgonagall?" Harry screamed and stuck his head between his knees and started taking deep breathes.

"Wrong, bad, bad, wrong." Hermione dropped her books and raced up to her room she had some calming potion set aside for when she got her period. Racing back she shoved the vial between Harrys' lips and watched as the potion took affect slowly Harry stoped trembling and brought his head up to look at Hermione. "Th...than...thanks. I needed that."

"Harry, was it. you-know-who?"

"What, no, every time I stub my toe or yell at someone it's not Voldemort. I just saw something I don't want to remember." Hermione sighed Harry was keeping secrets from them again and that had worked out so well last time.

"Harry you know telling someone about your problems can help." Harry looked at Hermione sceptically. Hermione's ability to always sound like she knew best really got his nerves sometimes. He wasn't feeling that kind at the moment and if she said sharing could help.

"I'm warning you , you may not want to know."

"Harry, I'm your friend I'll always be here for you." Oh, she sounded like she had been watching to much Dr. Phil. You couldn't say he didn't warn her. Pleased that now he could share the pain Harry took a breath.

" I was walking back from detention with Snape and passed by Mcgonagall's class. I heard noises I thought some one was in trouble so I rushed in." Harry paused he so didn't want to think about this. "McGonagall and Filch and they were going for it."

"What do you mean going for it?"

"Making the beast with two backs. They were having sex."

"Why didn't you say it's a perfectly normal thing for two grown people to have a sexual relations."

" This wasn't normal. McGonagall was dressed in a shiny P.V.C bra and suspenders Filch was wearing this all over body suit of rubber. Mcgonagall had a horse whip in one hand and was hitting Filch over the arse. There was this huge mirror in front of them and they were both watching themselves in it. This was all I saw before I ran for it, but I swear I saw a chicken tied up lying next to Filch." Hermiones mouth was open and she started to tremble.

"Harry you know I think I might be able to do that Obliviate for you if you do it to me at the same time."

Authors Note

This is the begining of the hunt. I have two other chapters which were up under The Kindly Ones that I will put back up tommorow. If you have an idea for a method of hunting harry down. Or any other idea please tell me.

The Slytherine/Ravenclaw Orgy of 1768 is based on an actual event that occurred at a college at my University. The orgy there was also followed by a STD outbreak, which the college is still known for. I will not name the college or University.

Please review, just push the little blue button it's right below you. please.


	4. Beer Bad Tree Pretty

Chapter Six

**Alcohol Bad, Tree Pretty**

Disclaimer

We all bow at the feet of the great author God JKR whose world we merely poke a stick at.

To all the people who hate my spelling please I have checked my chapters before I put them up but I know I miss a lot if it is so terrible please become my beta and make a lot of annoyed reviewers happy.

"What's a drink amongst friends."

Alexander 'the Great' of Macedonia

A Shadowy figure crept through the undergrowth edging the Forbidden forest. Not the best name for a forest next to a school filled with curious kids better if they had called it the forest of really interesting things adults don't want you to see. The figure was wearing a large enveloping dark cloak, and was slowly walking along staring at the ground every so often the figure would kneel down and pick up something. If you were standing next to the mysterious person you might have heard strange mutterings. "First, I'm going to cover him in honey and then I'm going to lick it off. Then I'm going to get my broomstick and . . . " As the figure ventured further into the forest it cried out aloud and rushed forward. "Ahhh, now I have the last ingredient. No one can stop me now Harry Potter is mine. Mwhahahah!" evil laughter echoes between the trees. "Well at least for a week. Damn time share."

The sun was shinning low over the lake as Harry and his friends settled back on blankets brought down from their rooms. Lying back on the blanket Harry stared up at the clouds stained pink and red in the setting sun light. "You know I think that cloud looks like Snape's nose." Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville stared up at the sky. Ginny asked. "Which cloud?"

"Oh that one that's next to the spiky cloud."

"What the one shaped like a chicken?" Both Harry and Hermione wince.

"Yeah." It was the first Friday afternoon of the term and everyone had decided to have a break from class and assignments, Okay Hermione had decided to have a break everyone else had just decided to stuff it, and deal with it later. Ron stretched his arms up above his head and yawned.

"You know I heard Ravenclaw are having a party tomorrow. Dean told me about it. They have the best parties."

"Remember the last one, the found Susan Bones naked and tied to that statue of Medusa next to the glass houses, the next morning."

"Was it the last one or that one before Halloween last year, when that Hufflepuff sixth year decided she was queen of the world and decided to play Quidditch naked in the main hall." Ginny picked at the corner of the blanket.

"I thought they banned Ravenclaw from having parties after that."

"Sure, but that didn't stop them, they just found some obscure law in the Hogwarts books saying that students are allowed a set number of '_recreational activities, to better accustom them to lives beyond the educational establishment._' So they're having a big party to celebrate."

"I heard that somehow they hold of some muggle liquor and have decided to have a cocktail night." Harry rolled over on to his stomach.

"So everyone is going right."

There is a round of 'yeah's', and 'of courses'.

In a dark and dusty room in Hogwarts, cauldrons and potions bubbled away over bright orange flames. The cloaked figure of before was hunched over a book, staring intently on the instructions inside. "Right, eye, of newt, or was that eye of eel. Does it matter." An imaginary Professor Snape suddenly appears over their shoulder. 'Potions, are a difficult and demanding discipline, you need concentration. and **of course it bloody matters you stupid child.'** The figure stops and shrugs their shoulders. Might as well add both it can't hurt right. With that they toss in the last ingredients, a puff of pink smoke develops and floats into the air. The potion has turned a shiny bubbling red colour. When they see this the cloaked figure jumps up in the air and does a little dance.

"Harry's mine, na nah nah na nah. "

Fate who had just left to go to the toilet rushed back to her ezy-chair. Watching Harry Potter's life was better than Passions any day.

The weekend; the time period when for the first half you try to suppress all memories of homework and for the last ten hours rush about finishing everything. Or not as the case may be. It was Saturday night and most people were wandering down to Ravenclaws common room. The noise had been steadily growing since eight and now at ten, the room was almost overflowing with students. The professors had turned a glasseye to the gathering realising that it was better that the students get pissed and break stuff while they could control it rather than leave them to their own devices. Someone had stuck giant papier-mâché or the magical equivalent mock-ups of the various house animals from the roof of the Ravenclaws common room, the snake of Slytherine was bright and green and frightened some of the party goers below when they were least expecting it, but then the Hufflepuff badger was worrying as well. . They swung gently in the breeze created by over a hundred sixth and seventh years from the various houses getting acquainted with muggle alcohol. A long bar had been set up along one wall of the common room several Ravenclaw sixth years were working behind it, often referring back to books on cocktail mixes. Normally crowded, all the chairs and tables had been pushed to the side of the room. The tall book shelves that covered the walls had been covered with sheets in the various house colours and everyone was forgetting house rivalry in the wonderful glow of alcohol.

The party was getting into the swing of things when Harry turned up by himself, he had been delayed while everyone else had gone on ahead because some one who shall not be named had set off a dozen wet start fire works in his bed while he was getting ready in the bathroom. As he walked through the open portrait hole and pass Crabbe who had been bribed into portraying a bouncer wearing one of those t-shirts with a tux on it for the night the noise hit him. Music was pouring from the walls something with lots of heavy beats. The lights had been turned off and the only illumination was floating fairy lights which travelled around the room. Except at the bar where a bright light showed the Ravenclaw bar tenders attempt to spin bottles like they had seen in the books, and occasionally failing.

"Hey, Harry, what are you up too?" Terry Boot, who was acting as a sort of master of ceremonies for the party, greeting all the students with a smile and a Tequila shot. Sitting in front of Terry was a floating tray on which was a bottle of the Mexican liquor salt and lemon wedges sat.

"To be able to enter our humble abode you must first take a drink of this." Harry was handed a shot and grimaced.

"Hi, Terry, you know I'm not much of a drinker the stuff tastes foul."

"Oh, don't be like that Harry, it only tastes bad for the first few then it doesn't really matter." Salt, tequila, lemon. Licking the salt of his hand, Harry consumed the drink and sucked on the lemon quarter.

"Oh, that's foul. " Terry laughed.

"Don't worry about it just get few more into you and you won't mind."

Walking over to the bar Harry pushed his way through. Bottles of strange coloured liquors sat on shelves behind the Ravenclaws who were mixing. drinks. Catching the eye of a blonde girl, Harry leant forward.

"Hey, How did you afford all this?" The girl smiled.

"Call it a good investment in a sure thing." Confused Harry just smiled.

"Umm sure, could I get a drink."

"Fine what do you want?"

"Anything would be fine." The Ravenclaw girl pulled out a silver cocktail shaker out from somewhere and started pouring various amounts of from different bottles., repeatedly referring back to a book that must have been sitting under the bar. When the drink was finally placed in front of Harry, it was a bright pink and cherries floated in the bottom. It didn't look that bad, but then those were the drinks that you had to watch out for. Pulling the dink towards him Harry was about to take a sip when the girl placed a hand on Harry's arm to stop him.

"Wait it's not a proper muggle cocktail drink if it doesn't have a garnish." From behind the bar, she brings out a piece of lemon rind and placed it upon the edge of Harry's' drink "Voila" Grinning uncertainly at the Ravenclaw Harry took a sip and then another actually it wasn't that bad it hardly tasted alcoholic at all. Harry just made a big arse mistake remember fate, she heard him.

Thanking the girl Harry leant backwards against the bar and stared out at the party he couldn't see anyone but it was so packed he wasn't surprised. From beside him he heard his name turning around he saw Ron, and Dean who both had several different sized glasses sitting in front of them. "Harry, this is great. You look great. Everything is great." Harry took another sip of his drink.

"What are you two up too?" Dean picked up a martini glass and picked out the olive. Talking slowly and with evident care.

"Well, there are so many different types of al. . alco. . .drinks we thought to better understand muggles we should try them all."

"How long have you been going." Ron poked a finger at Harry and waved it in front of his nose.

"I know what you think and I can tell you now we are not drunk." Dean broke in.

"No we're rat arsed." Both the boys cracked up at that and started laughing. Harry shook his head and took another sip of his drink.

"Do you know where 'Mione is?" Ron stoped laughing but was still giggling lightly.

"I saw her over in the corner with Parvati and a couple of other girls. Hey Dean I wonder if we could make Malfoy rat arsed, wouldn't he look great with a tail?" The boys cracked up again and were still laughing when Harry walked away.

In the corner of the Ravenclaw common room Harry found Herminoe and other people from their year sitting in a circle all of them had several bottles and glasses in front of them. When Hermione saw Harry come over she called out his name, Harry was glad to see that she didn't look drunk. "Harry come over here, we're playing 'I've Never.' take a seat. Hannah Abbot and Morag MacDougal shifted over to make room for Harry, who carefully sat down trying not to spill his drink. Hermione leant towards Harry, and explained the rules. "Okay, everyone has a go. What you do is say something you have never done. 'I've never snogged Hagrid.' That sort of thing, everyone that has done what ever you said takes a drink. Simple." Sitting back down Hermione pointed to a Lavender whose turn it had been.

"I have never picked up at the family reunion." There was a moment of tension then a girl sitting opposite Harry with short black hair picked up her Daiquiri and took a drink. Everyone turned and stared.

"What, I didn't know we were related." Neville who was sitting next to here turned in disbelief

"It was your family reunion." After everyone just takes a drink to clear their heads, the circle travelled around, with various

"I've Never . . . had a sexual fantasy about Snape." No one took a drink but Harry swore he saw Hermione move to pick up her glass.

"I've Never . . . .had sex on the back of a broomstick." Three people had long drinks after that one, and there were a round of Hows. One girl said a cushioning spell another said rope. It finally reached Blaise who was sitting beside Hermione he picked up his drink and took a sip.

"I've Never. . . .used my wand as a sexual aid." There is stunned silence as the drunker people comprehend this. No one takes a drink except Hermione who sips from her Long Island Ice tea. Harry's mouth flops open stunned.

"What the hell."

Hermone had a delicate blush on there checks.

"Well on time at wizard camp I . . . . . . "

All the wizard students familiar with muggle movies jumped on Hermione instantly shutting her up, no one wanted that visual.

After this Harry took a little time and wandered away from the group. From somewhere he picked another drink and quietly sipped it as he walked around. Finally he bumped into Draco who was siting with Pansy Parkinson. Coughing Harry interrupted Pansy's in-depth investigation into Draco's fillings. "Malfoy, you know that they say, 'Leave Ugly Early and Beat the 3am Rush.' " Draco snarled and shoved Pansy from his lap.

"Well at least I can get some, what was the bet in the latest pool Oh yeah that you would die a virgin." Harry sipped at his drink, Terry had been right the more you drink the better it tastes.

"Malfoy the only way you pick up is by getting girls drunk before hand. And you know what alcohol does to mini - Malfoy."

Draco snarled and picked up his own drink. "I will say one good thing for muggles they make good drinks." he picked up a creamy coloured drink and sipped. Harry laughed at the poor come back and walked away.

**mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm**

Someone was stepping on his head. No dragons were playing bagpipes in his brain and goblins were playing jump roped with his stomach. The world was introducing itself to Harry in a thoroughly unpleasant way. Harry tried to open his eyes, and he couldn't 'Oh my god , I'm blind, I can't see. Ahhh, Ahhh.' Suddenly his eyes flew open what ever had been holding them shut breaking. A bright light shone onto his eyes, 'Arggh the light, the light, hissing Harry rolled over and buried his head in what ever he was lying on. It felt like someone had used his mouth as ashtray and then let an incontinent cat in. Just lying there did not make him feel better, prying his eyes open once again he squinted, it seemed like he was lying on something large, fluffy and breathing. A quick look showed black fur, 'Oh great what the hell did he do last night.' Carefully Harry got up crawling backwards off the breathing mattress. Holding a hand over his eye's Harry looked at what he had woken up on. It was Fluffy. Luckily the large three headed dog was extremely asleep and gently snoring. While he on the other hand was only wearing a pair of bright green boxers and sort of white puffy pirate shirt.

Carefully creeping back to the Gryffindor common room Harry keep is head down and tried to avoid the evil people who were wake and cheerful, the bastards, they were doing it deliberately. Awake and smiling the bastards. Making his way past a concerned fat lady Harry meet a common room filled with fellow hangover sufferers. The only person not groaning and contemplating mass genocide was Hermione who was happily working way at the fire over a cauldron humming. Harry groaned, Hermione must die, no one is meant to be that happy. Stumbling over to Mione Harry stretched out his arms to strangle the grinning Prefect. "Harry wait before you kill me I have something to help you. Just give me a second." Harry stoped his forward rush and collapsed onto the ground placing his forehead on the cold cobblestones.

"Alcohol Bad."

"Yes Alcohol bad, Did you know Harry you're a very cheap drunk." Grinning Hermione dropped something in to the concoction over the fire.

"Oh hell what did I do?" Hermione laughed.

"What do you last remember?"

"Well I think I was talking to Malfoy then I got another drink and that's the last I remember."

"If you really what to know?" Harry muttered no but Hermione ignored him.

"Not long after you left the game you started to enjoy everyone's company."

"What"

"You loved everyone. You were rushing around the place draping yourself over everyone declaring your complete and utter devotion to all and sundry. They had to drag you off Neville when you started to force him into a corner for a private talk." Harry groaned then stoped when the sound echoed off his head and made him think a Hippogriff had been using it as a toilet. From the grin that was almost splitting Hermione' s face in half Harry knew there had to be more.

"What else did I do?"

"I didn't see it personally but Lavender said that pulled Draco Malfoy up onto the bar and sung 'I got you Babe.'" There was a pause,

"And"

"And then you jumped down from the bar and started kissing everyone. Finally someone was offered to take you back to your room to stop you jumping Neville again" Harry sighed at least he hadn't done anything else but he wondered how he had ended up with Fluffy.

A frustrated figure stomped around her room. She had been so close, he certainly fell in love it was just he fell in love with everyone maybe she should of followed the instructions. Pulling the back of her cloak down Lavender Brown scowled and chucked it to the side. She had been so close, after Harry had run from the room she had cornered him in the Charms classroom and got him into the shirt, she had been about to pour the honey all over his chest when he heard Fluffy barking. Harry had been so close to being her dirty monkey sex slave. When he rushed out she had followed and they found some pissed Gryffindors pouring bottles of vodka into Fluffys drinking water. The hell hound was well and truly rat arsed when Harry decided he had to save the 'poor' animal. Lavender couldn't pull the boy-who-loved-all away from the swaying dog. He kept on claiming that he loved Fluffy and that he was going to look after him. Not soon after Harry and Fluffy both collapsed together. It had been so cute in a twisted and demented way, the three headed dog and Harry Potter all curled up together. Lavender hadn't trusted her luck in getting Harry away from the three headed dog so she had been forced to retreat. Back in her room Lavender collapsed back onto her bed. Curses her plans were foiled and it was another's turn. But that didn't mean she couldn't interfere. She would catch Harry potter yet. Cackling Lavender brought her hands in front of her and rubbed them together. A fellow Gryffindor who had also been at the Ravenclaw party threw a text book at lavender and knocked the girl out, effectively shutting her up.

Authors Note

Wow that is the longest chapter yet, and there was more I wanted to put in. Oh well I'll save it for another day. At least I finally have it out of my head and can write my other story.  
Thankyou so much for reviewing, if you have any suggestion about how the group should go about hunting Harry I would be glad to hear them.  
Thankyou

**Note take two:**

The cocktail that Harry drank was a Keep Sober, Draco was drinking a Fallen Angel if you want the recipe to either just email me. I don't think I can put them up on FF.N

I'll put up the other chapter and a new chapter soon. promise. All ideas are welcomed with open arms.

Please review, pretty please with a cherry on top.


	5. I laugh in the face of danger

**Harry Hunting**

**Chapter Five**

**"I laugh in the face of danger, . . .then I run and hide until it goes away."**

Disclaimer

I claim this plot in the name of Phorcys, everything else you may or may not recognise doesn't belong to me and whileI can't get money for my work, chocolate will be warmly appreciated.

"Now this is a very poisonous snake, that can kill a man with a single bite, you hold it Terri while I poke it with a stick."

Steve Irwin 'Crocodile Hunter'

Through thehunters head they stalked theoblivious boy, if this had been the muggle world there was a good chance he would have had an AVO out on them years ago, outside the kids mind classes went on as they usually did,people ran around stuck in their own worlds while inside their head a soundtrack and voice over could be heard. . .

_From this point on imagine a corny Australian accent_

_Today were going to be hunting a timid and rarely seen creature that can only be found in special places. This shy little fellow is know as a Harrius Potterus or commonly know as the Boy-that-lived, or Harry Potter, he doesn't like to come out of his burrow much and when he does you've got to keep an eye out cause he's a quick little bugger_.

It was quiet in Harry's corner of the common room no one was about, mostly everyone had headed outside for the chance to get some sunlight and recover from the party of the night before. While sunlight is clinically proven to be bad for your eyes when you have a hang over sunbeams have also proven to have a restorative affect if you sleep in them while you feel like crap. As he didn't quite feel up to the task of dragging his sorry arse down the stairs and back up them to go outside and sit in the sun he had curled up in front of the fire and was enjoying a large glass of water and the heat of the fire, he didn't plan on moving for the next few hours and god help the useless idiot that tried to move him.He watched cheerfully as the puffy shirt burnt in the fire he didn't knowwhere he got it from lat night, but since the name tag said'Slave' he thougtit a goodidea to get rid of it.Windows from outside shone a dim light into the Gryffindor common room and the fire spread a warm glow over the room. Sipping carefully on his glass of water Harry closed his eyes, and eased back into the chair he was sitting in the blankets piled around him, he was so going to kill Hermione one of these days but first he was going to get that hangover cure off her it bet raw eggs and Tabasco sauce any day.

_Now, today we can see Harry quietly sleeping off a hard night working. Once in a while this shy beast will venture from it's burrow which you can see has been decorated in bright festive colours of red and gold this is either to warn off other creatures from attacking a Gryfindor as they're know or are used as a mating ritual to display their suitability as a mate. Other creatures can be seen in a variety of colours and can often be seen pruning themselves to better approach the opposite sex. Here we can see Harry has been exhausted from his social gathering, this is an important part in searching his for an attractive mate._

Harry gathered up his blanket and shifted out from in front of the fire when people started to come back inside. He wasn't really up for conversation at them moment and the next person that started humming "I got you Babe' will have his boot up their arse. As he walked up the stairs to his room he swore he could see someone hiding behind one of the couches, but he wasn't sure.

Quidditch is important to Harry, the ability to glide through the air above a cheering crowd tended to push back the latest attempt on his life by Voldemort. So when it came time to organise the new years teams, Harry's place on the team was important to him. Though you have to wonder, are there any other sports practiced at Hogwarts, even the most, Rugby, football, or Cricket obsessed high school does tend to have other sports or other out of class events for the students. At Hogwarts is there a Drama club, Art, Fashion, Photography, anything. Back to the story, Harry came down from the bathroom for the beginning of a new week; to see a sheet pinned up on the Gryffindor poster board. Next to the note that some one had an old broomstick for sale and if any one had seen Ron's pants, last seen wrapped around the statue of Dumbledore in the bottom hall entrance. If returned a reward is offered.The meeting for deciding the new team was going to be that Friday in the afternoon and announced that all decisions made last year by teaching staff who shall not be named are declared null and void.

_Now, as we follow this fine specimen of a Gryffindor there are certain facts you have to remember. This is a delicate species they are known for acting wildly and irrationally at times. It has been suggested that a swift smack round the back of the head and the demand to 'Get over Yourself' would snap them out of it but it has yet to be tried. Those gathered around him are often seen following a Harry Potter, one is know for the large brain and big mouth the other, has a bright red brush and hair on the palms of their hands. The eating habits of a Harry Potter are a topic that has been discussed by many, now as we keep a careful eye on the shy fellow I'm sure we can catch a glimpse at him consuming his meal._

The Gryfindorr table was bustling with the noises of hungry students, you could almost hear the arteries hardening as the melted butter oozed off the side of a platter of mashed potatoes. The piles of roast meat and boiled vegetable brought a tear to the eye of any one who before going to Hogwarts had to eat food from a boarding school or college. No unnamed meat, here, no strange stews that have the same colour and consistency as wood glue. No evolutionary meals that begin as one thing today and appear tomorrow back on your plate as another. The students at Hogwarts would die of heart disease, but they were going to die with smile on their faces. The roof above the students heads was lit with hundreds of stars and would have made George Lucas eat his heart out.

Harry had a pile of roast potatoes and gravy a foot high on his plate, while the Dursley's were of the dry toast and water animal keepers. When he got back to Hogwarts the chance to stuff his face was to good to pass up, he could just imagine if Dudley had ever come her he would be fat enough to demand a forklift to get out of the house. Beside him Ron was picking away at a plate of roast beef which had been coated in a horseradish sauce. "Harry do you ever crave something different." Harry put his knife and fork down carefully.

"Well, Ron, I think everyone has the right to make their own choices and if you want something different that is perfectly fine with me." Harry picked his cutlery back up and dug into his potatoes.

"What they hell did you think I meant, no I mean there are times when I really crave vegetables, they haven't been roasted in dripping. Sometimes at night I dream of a crisp baby lettuce leaf salad with no dressing and cherry tomatoes." Harry chewed and swallowed the potatoes he had forced down his throat.

"I know what you mean, It's great to eat this stuff, but the never ending medieval feast does tend to turn you off roast meat and veg after a while." Picking up one of the bread rolls, sure that this at least could not be covered in animal fat like the rest of dishes on the table Ron started to pick the centre out of it.

"Once I asked the house elves to make a salad and they came back with the bowl of iceberg lettuce floating in salad cream./mayonnaise. I love roast but having it every night for six years is starting to really piss me off." From another table at the dinner a small head pops up and quickly sits back down the girl sitting next to this inquisitive watcher turns and stares.

" Hey, I don't mean to be rude but why are you wearing a Kahki safari suit?"

_A Harrius Potterus have certain habits which we can take advantage of to catch the little blighter. Now he is a survivor and in the past has demonstrated an ability to survive life threatening situations that can't be rivalled. With no regard to his own safety and often the safety of other a Harrius is often shown to have the survival instincts of a suicidal Lemming. The young Harry was often seen visiting the hospitals ward, after exhibiting his total lack of self interest. While normal teenagers can also show this regard, only on Jackass is it equalled. A certain theme which links this head long rushes to his own doom, beside Voldemort, are the chance for Harry to rescue some helpless victim. A cute but misguided student who needs saving will bring Harry potter to our carefully laid trap quicker than a Quiditch match and a porno._

The classes before the Quidditch trials dragged by, for Harry, while everyone expected him to get the seekers position instantly he hadn't been able to practice in a while and as we all know Harry has the self worth of an earth worm. As he walked into Potions, he caught a movement out of the corner of eye, it had been happening all week some sandy coloured blob, just at the corner of his vision was following him around. He would be more worried but he didn't think Voldemort or any of his spies wore kahki shorts and elastic sided boots. As he got a glance at the first years pouring out of Snapes room, he noticed that several now had purple spots, and cat whiskers. It looked like they had had fun.

His first glance at Snape's red face was that this was a man who had not only visited hell and seen the devil but had also brought the coffee mug, and had his t-shirt signed, by Lucifer himself. At his table with Pansy, she had carefully lined up her Quills and her parchment was in neat piles and her ruler dived the desk in half. As he watched she carefully underlined1 her title page in red ink and placed the date and time on the top of the page. She had started humming under her voice. " . . .got you babe." Harry slapped his papers down on the desk and pulled out a stool. "Is it true that when you and Draco have sex you do it doggy style with a collar and choke chain?" Pansy stopped humming and started writing a letter to a friend and ignored the Gryfindor. Across the room a silent watcher kept an eye on Snape and palmed off ingredients form their table. At the front of the class Snape slammed a heavy book down on his desk right

"Today we will be attempting a simple potion which many are yet unable to complete Oilusb Ggeus. Now the list of instructions is up on the board if any one wants me I will be preparing for a later class. Don't try to bother me, unless the world is ending and even then knock first." Snape slumped down in his chair and rested his hands in his heads, 'Why was it him that got Potions, if the little delinquents weren't bad enough with magic he had to place chemicals that could make high grade explosives in their hands. This stuff wouldn't just blow up, it would turn you pink and cover you in feathers before it did it.' from his desk Snape carefully pulled out his silver hip flask and took a sip.

Walking out of his last class of the day, Harry was jubilant, he had Quidditch trials in an hour, as he walked down the dungeons corridor, a slip of paper in the shape of a paper bird flew down the hall and into his face. The bird stuck to his nose, Ron who had been walking with him jumped at the piece of paper. "Harry, are you Okay mate?" the paper remained attached to Harry's nose while he tried to yank it off.

"Ron, leave off, I think you'll rip my nose off." Ron stepped back as Harry aimed his wand at his nose and dissolved the spell on the paper. Written on the paper were the words:

Harry,

I have a person most precious too you. This misguided fool attempted to help you and in doing so has brought about their own doom. The only way to save them is to go to the second door after the stairs to the Ravenclaw common room past the painting of the Monkeys.

Your Sincerely

Second Cousin twice removed of Slytherine

P.S Could you stop off at the kitchen and pick up a fruit basket.

Thanks Do we need to go back and see what Harry does when he thinks that someone that was trying to help him is hurt by his enemies, no I didn't think so.

_Right now we have to be very very quite when your hunting a Potter, this species is know for getting out of difficult situations. Now today, we've laid a careful trap to capture the little critter. A trail has been laid which will lead him to this room, inside we'll wait quietly and then when he springs the trap we'll get him._

The corridor off the Ravenclaw common room led to a small door, that was slightly ajar, to rush in or not to rush in. Harry ran inside to find no windows or lights lit the room, except for a small glimmer of light from a single torch he could not see the room,so he stood spotlighted in the open doorway, clutching a fruit basket in one hand that he had picked up from the kitchen house elves. "Get away from them you, . . What was it again?" As his eyes adjusted to the light he could see a figure wrapped in bulky dark robes sitting tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Rushing into the room Harry kept his wand out and a hand on the fruit basket. With a quick spell he managed to remove the ropes and kept telling the body that they we're going to be all right and that they had nothing to worry about, hands up everyone who thinks Harry gets off saving people sometimes. As the last rope slipped off the figure the door behind Harry slammed shut, and the figure rose up and collapsed into his arms, making him drop the fruit basket. "

Oh Harry, thank you thank you I don't know what happened." a slight voice emerged from the covered figure, "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't have rescued me." Harry held the cloaked figure in his arms.

"Umm, okay, do you know what happened to you and do you know how to get out of here." The figure reached to pull the cloth away from their face when an unseen breeze slipped through the room blowing out the single torch.

"Oh no the light has gone out and we can't see a thing."

"It's all right I have my wand I can just. . . ." the kidnapped figure stumbles in the dark into Harry knocking his wand away.

'I'm so sorry I can't see a thing. But I feel safe knowing your here Harry." Banging his ankle on the chair the figure had been tied to Harry kneels down and starts feeling around on the floor for a his wand.

"Oh Harry please don't leave me I don't feel safe." From above his head Harry felt a hand come down on his neck and he swore it started petting him. Jumping to his feet Harry tried to think of the most unsexual thing he could think of, this poor lost student didn't need him. **Dursley's having sex Dursley's having sex**. The lust was now under control. Before he knew it an arm came out of the darkness and was wrapped around his waist and a head was resting on his chest.

"Oh, Harry I don't think I could do this if you weren't here, your so brave," Another hand was slowly climbing up his chest and reached the edge of his t-shirt and played with the collar.

"You didn't say exactly who you are." The hands moved around to circle his neck and tightened gently,

" Oh Harry that's not important, all that's important is that I can show my gratitude in you saving me from a fate worse than death." Harry suddenly felt a hand drift down his back and go down the back of his pants. With a gasp he stepped away, and the door swung open slamming against the wall. In the bright light of the door Harry could see Ron standing with their broomsticks.

"Hey mate, sorry to interrupt your rescue mission but Quidditch trials are up so do you think you could save them after it?" Glancing around the room Harry could not see the figure, though the noticed that what had been tying the person to the chair looked suspiciously like a Khaki safari shirt. Scratching his head Harry grabbed the broomstick from Ron's hand and left the room. "Sure, I don't think they needed saving from a bad guy, per say, maybe from themselves, but not a bad guy."

_Well today folks, we've seen how hard it is to catch a Harry Potter, this strange and rare creature is difficult to catch and the furthering of the species is something I feel needs particular attention. From the shadows of the room the boy most know as Crabbe picked up an apple from the pile that had fallen to the ground and bit down. He had tried but it looked like he had lucked out, oh well there is always next time._

Authors Note

Steve Irwin is strange creature not even Australian's understand.

Take a moment please to imagine Crabbe in a kahki safari suit.

This chapter didn't work as well as I hoped but, here you go.

Harry in this story is going to be completely oblivious to any one who is attracted to him. In fact to be able to get into bed they may have to lay naked on his bed covered in roses and burning scented candles. And when I think about it probably holding a big sign saying 'LETS HAVE SEX, YES YOU, YES NOW.'

Oilusb Ggseus. That is Boil Eggs in pig Latin .

Thankyou so much for reviewing Ophelia, Volleypickle16, and Licelli, this chapter is kind of a water shed the shit is going to hit the fan next week when other start to notice the hunt.I don't know if he'll end upwith one person, five people or no one, Thankyou for reviewing this chapter when it was registered under The Kindly Ones.

If you have any idea's please tell me, this story if you hadn't already picked it up is mostly my strange mutterings so if you have an idea I would love to try to put it in somewhere.

Please review, just click on the blue button right below you. If you could see me I would be doing puppy eyes. Please


	6. Your Just Jealous the voices only talk t...

Harry Hunting

Chapter Six

**Your Just Jealous Because the Voices Are Talking To Me**.

May I compare thee to a summer's day  
In particular, last December 15th around 2 o'clock.

paraphrased Terry Pratchett

A single light illuminated the huge bedroom. A giant four poster bed stood on a platform sitting by itself in the centre of the room. A tall candle stand stood just to the left of the giant dark violet velvet curtains that surrounded the bed. From behind the closed curtains a voice can be heard faintly almost whispering. Some presence moved towards the bed climbing the short stairs up up up to bed. A slender hand reached up and pushed gently to the side the heavy velvet curtain stained almost black in the lack of light. With the curtain pulled back the light showed a glimpse of pale flesh spread out across the creamy satin sheets. "I have you now my pretty." A voice gently sounds. With this there is a noise from the body laying out on the bed, a whimper. As the curtain is pulled back further the light finally shows a bound and gagged Harry Potter, stripped naked except for a sheet wrapped tastefully around his knees. Echoing around the room a voice can be heard "Harry." The hogtied wonder - boy was quite obviously half drugged and had been rolling around on the bed attempting to remove the fluffy handcuffs that were keeping his arms behind his back. As the light shone on the semi conscious boy's face his name again echoed through the room. "Harry." A presences starts to crawl across the large bed forcing the helpless Harry down into the hollow created by his movement. " Now I have caught you my precious you are all mine, and there has been something I wanted to try ever since I got a copy of the pop up Karma Sutra." The boy -that-wants-to-be-any-where-other-than-here whimpered again and tried to crawl away from the slinking form. "Harry, Harry." The figure starts to shake the bed and move closer, "Harry, Harry wake up you blind git. Otherwise I'll get Hermione up here to check out how you like to sleep naked." With these words the dreamscape of Harry's night mare is shredded and he found himself twisted around the blankets on his bed, not hogtied and at the mercy of a sex crazed lunatic. Scratching the back of his neck Harry missed the small star shaped beauty mark resting behind his left ear. He pulled on a robe and thanked Ron, he was glad that dream had been over he hated to imagine that anyone wanted to top him.

"I bring to orderthis meeting of the honourable order of the Golden Snitch Snatchers." With this statement a heavy wooden mallet was brought down on the table. A voice can be heard muttering across the table,

"I still think Potter Passion Pack was a better name." Ignoring the voice the girl standing at the top of the oblong table continued in their prepared speech often looking down at the desk to check a pile of papers in front of her.

"I would like to call for any old business to be resolved. 'No one speaks up' On to new business. Well it has been two weeks since the challenge was set and so far I believe neither Lavender or Vincent have been successful in their endeavours." A small voice from some where around the table mutters.

"They couldn't find their own arse with a map." Again ignoring the interruption the chairmen of the G.S.S continued in her speech.

" With their failures' I think we can learn from their mistakes and one of us will have a better chance of catching the sex god made human Harry Potter." A person stands up at the other end of the table.

"What's with the organization?"

"What, I thought we could do with a bit more organization around here." A heckler that was leaning back in their chair balanced on the back legs laughed.

"I bet you colour code your condoms?" With this statement the chairmen winces for a second and everyone realises that they do.

"I just think that the appropriate colour can influence the enjoyment of the moment." Vincent Crabbe who had been sitting downcast picking at some shinny catalogues lying out in front of him spoke up.

"What's a condom?" With hardly a pause the heckler speaks up.

"It's a type of fruit, found in South America you eat it with a spoon." Vincent hums and flips through the catalogue.

"I was just wondering because this catalogue was saying they sold apple, lemon, and berry flavoured condoms and I thought if they were a sweet why were they in the catalogue for 'Peaches and Cream Adult emporium.'" No one speaks up as those knowledgeable about muggle's tried to imagine describing the concept of condoms to Crabbe. The heckler laughed and spoke up again.

"That's because some people like to eat them when their enjoying themselves. Kind of like an after dinner mint." Half of the rooms occupants coughed and try not to laugh out loud.

Attempting to pull the room together the chairman bangs her gavel down on the table, "If you could stop laughing I was wondering if the next person on the list has started their planned attacked on mounting Harry?" A figure who had been standing at the back of the room huddled with another figure laughing over a magazine popped their head up.

"Umm that would be me, I've kind of started but I'm not going to tell anyone in case it fails, but I am so getting him into that shirt. And I'm going to take photographs to prove it. By the way has the order from 'Peaches and Cream come in yet. I really want to get my hands on that dragon hide saddle I ordered." Lavender who had been reading the magazine with her pouted,

"Can't you even give us a hint about what your doing?" The figure giggles.

"Well okay but Harry is so mine. I'll give you a tiny little hint. If Harry starts acting strange in classes this week just ignore it, it's all part of my fiendish plan." The heckler who was glancing through a catalogue from the table spoke again.

"We'll leave him alone, just remember that we all agreed not to use anything that would permanently harm or affect him. We all want a turn." A little voice sounds from the other side of the table.

"I still think that we're treating Harry like a piece of meat and it is inhuman." The speaker is quickly forced to stop speaking as several curses sail towards their head and every one turns around to shout. "Shut Up."

From her lazy-boy Fate pushed a button and lay back with her feet up. Floating in mid-sir next to her a big bag of chocolate peanuts was half empty. Reaching for a few of the chocolate treats fate flipped them in the air and caught them in her mouth. She couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next. Harry Potters life was more interesting then any she'd seen for a hundred years. And if she had to give it a little push now and then who could blame her. It got boring watching the fate's of men for millions of years. Everyone needs a hobby and hers was just playing with the fate of one Harry Potter.

A gentle breeze stirred the leaves that were gathering up in piles at the base of the statue of Hilda the Hag famous for defeating the hoards of the nypho goblins that had attempted to storm Hogwarts in the seventeenth century after a past potions master had pulled a prank involving a goblin aphrodisiac and the annual Gringotts convention. The statue sat next to the glass houses and had watched many Hogwarts students walk to class by her feet. Harry, Hermione and Ron walked underneath her puzzled gaze as they made their way to their Herbology class. Though unaware why, Ron had somehow discovered that with the mere mention of the word chicken he could make his friends wince and blush. Ron was not one to waste the opportunity to cause pain and discomfort to his friends like most teenage boys and was at the moment trying to describe the chickens that ran around his front yard at the Burrow. "We have heaps of chickens, Mum thinks Georgeor Fred put a multiplying spell on them one year and the chickens liked it so much they kept it. If I look out my window I can see their fluffy red and brown bodies everywhere. They tend to turn up everywhere in our house. One time I heard my Mum telling her friend that while her and Dad were at it they found a chicken sitting at the foot of the bed." At this Hermione and Harry who had had their fingers stuck in their ears and were humming 'can't hear you, can't hear you.' screamed and ran straight to Herbology nearly bowling Ron over, with a wicked grin Ron kept walking and shrugged his shoulders shouting after his friends. "What was it something I said?"

Herbology could be a really interesting class, and Harry had been known to enjoy it. With no teacher to breath down his neck and since Slytherine's timetable was different this year, he didn't have to worry about their stupid comments and attempts to fuck up his work. At the front of the class a black board had been set up and written on it was the news that the teacher would not be able to attend today, while they're head teachers for their chosen topic to teach, Snape was not the only potions teacher, McGonagall was not the only Transfiguration teacher, they were just the teacher in charge of organising those underneath them in their chosen field. Otherwise having nearly a thousand students and only ten or so teachers could be a problem. Back to the story. Professor Lovett couldn't make the class as he had unfortunately caught a particularly painful dose of sap from a seventh year Ravenclaw project dealing with South American Spitting Arrow Vines. In his place their had been left some instructions of potting a new batch of baby mandrakes who had arrived the day before. While Lovett trusted that a combined class of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw wasn't going to cause any problems their was no way in hell he or any other teacher would ever leave a combined Gryffindor and Slytheirne class together. Pulling on a pair of earmuffs Harry got down to the prepared work.

_"Harry, I'm going to tie you to a light post and strip you down."_ Harry stopped what he was doing and stared around at the students working beside him. No one was looking in his direction the voice must have been his imagination. "_Then I'm going to take this long, thick black . . ."_ Harry stuck his finger in his ears and wriggled it around. He took another look around no one was close to him both Ron and Hermione were on the other side of the room getting more pots for the baby mandrake. No one was close enough for him to hear through the ear muffs._ "I'm going to drag it down down down . . ."_ Harry dropped the pot he had been filling with dirt and fled the greenhouse. Reaching the statue of Hilda the Hag Harry ripped off the ear muffs and listened he couldn't hear anything. The voice had stopped. 'What the hell was that, He hoped to god it wasn't Voldemort cause that just gave terror a whole new meaning.' Slowly walking back to Herbology he ignored the strange looks he got from his peers, though one Ravenclaw looked ecstatic. In fact he had been the only student to place a bet at 20 to 1 that Herboblogy would be the first Harry Potter would run out in the middle of everyone else had money of Potions, or Defence against the Dark Arts, but he had played the long odds and was now several galleons the richer. Placing the earmuffs back on Harry began putting potting mix back in the pot. _"I'm going to take a tub of warm chocolate and whipped cream and cover your whole body with it then I'm going to lick my way up . . . "_ Harry ripped the earmuffs off. It must be the earmuffs with a quick flip of his wand Harry sent the offending head wear up in a puff of smoke. Walking over the box holding more earmuffs Harry grabbed another pair happy he had halted the voice. Unaware of the small star shaped black beauty mark sitting behind his left ear.

Sitting down to the evening meal Harry pulled a plate of roast pumpkin towards him and dished up a piece. Ron was sitting opposite and Neville was sitting to his left and grabbed some roast pumpkin at the same time as him. "Do you think you did any good in test in Transfiguration?" Harry asked Ron whose mouth was stuffed with a bread roll he had dipped in his soup.

" I don't know why we learn these things it's not like we'll need to know how to change a matchbox into a mouse in real life it's all useless anyway." Picking away at his meal Harry snorted

"I know what you mean." A deep breathy voice that he had heard earlier whispered into Harry's ear.

_"I would love to sweep everything from that table and bend you over backwards with everyone watching."_ Harry dropped his knife and fork and stared at Neville. "What did you say?" Neville who had been eating a piece of roast chicken looked up in confusion

."What?"

"Did you say any thing to me just then."

"No, why?" Harry shook his head.

"Oh nothing, it must just be my imagination." forcing a laugh Harry started eating again. _"I'm going to pull your arms tight above your head and make you scream like a banshee."_ Placing his utensils carefully down on the table Harry looked around him, no one was paying any attention to him except for the few students that had money on today being the day he would first run screaming from the dinning hall.

"Okay if anyone is trying to pull a prank on me it's not funny they can stop right now." The rest of Gryffindor looked up at Harry confused, as nothing that they could tell had happened to the boy. Hermione who was sitting further down the table talking to Ginny. "Ah Harry I don't think any of us a pulling a prank on you." Staring at the confused faces around him the-boy-that-lived smiled and laughed.

"Ha, I was just tricking you nothing wrong with me." Everyone kept eating.

_"I have a long, black whip and I'm going to slid it along your back and make you scream."_ Finishing the meal in front of him quickly, Harry ignored his friends calls and hurried out of the hall followed by the lewd voice.

Crawling into bed, Harry was glad the voice had stoped it's descriptive words about an hour ago when everyone started going to bed. Pulling his bedspread over his head Harry tried to go to sleep. The room he was standing in seemed like a cross between a dungeon and a bedroom. Thick chains hung from the walls and roof. A huge bed sat in the centre and chains hung over the dark red sheets. Walking forwards in the room, Harry noticed everything had a unreal quality about the room, rubbing his eyes he could feel it, but his brain was telling him it was a dream. A dark syrupy voice he had been hearing all day echoed around the room._ "I have you now. We're going to have such fun."_ Drawing the last word out in a breath a dark faceless figure stalked towards the extremely confused Harry.

"Your not Voldemort are you. Because that would just make this dream really, really weird?" Laughing the figure stepped up to Harry who backed up to the wall bumping into some chains hanging on the wall. "Okay, I'm going to wake up now, I think I prefer to dream about the Dursley's right now." The faceless figure pushed their body against Harry grinding Harry's back into the wall behind him, making Harry wince from discomfort.

_"Oh your not going anywhere, I've got you now and your not getting away."_ With a fast movement the figure brings Harry's arms up above his head and catches them in two manacles above his head. Bringing a hand up to the sweating boy's face the figure drags a sharp nail down his face leaving a red mark. "_Oh your are so beautiful, I could just eat you up."_ Dragging a hand down to his chest the figure rips the thin t-shirt his dream self was wearing.

"You know I don't mind sex and all but, I would prefer it if I wasn't tied up." The figure dragged sharp nails over Harry's chest.

_"Tough Shit."_ Pulling back the figure brought their mouth to Harry's neck nipping and bitting a line down his neck and chest leaving bright red marks behind. Breathing in short pants Harry, tried to speak when a gag appeared from no where and stopped him.

_"Oh no Puppy can't talk until it learns all the rules."_ The figure chuckled. Harry's eyes widened over the gag, his mind all he could think was. 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home,' And wishing to hell he owned a pair of ruby slippers.

Scrubbing his eyes as he woke up Harry sighed it had only been a dream, that was all. It was perfectly normal for teenage boys to have dreams about sex. Closing his mind to what happened in the dream, Harry ignored the marks that covered his body and made him look like he had been attacked by a vacuum cleaner. Harry is good at ignoring what is straight in front of him.

Over the next few days the voice kept up with it's dirty suggestions. Speaking during class, and meals. At that weeks Quidditch practice he almost fell off his broom when the voice describe the sexual acts that could be preformed on the back of a broomstick. Every night his dreams were plagued by the same scenario but each night it got harder and harder to ignore. Harry was getting less and less sleep and he was paying no attention in class, the voice was following him everywhere. Dark bags sat under his eye's his hair was getting greasy and he was always distracted. It got to the point that even Sane noticed what was happening to the - boy-that-would-just-like-to-get-some-sleep. Sent to the hospital ward by both Snape and Hooch after a disastrous Quidditch practise. Harry's little mind was going around the bend and he was jumping at everything.

After everyone saw Harry break his nose in Quidditch practise a girl sidled over to another girl sitting by the lake. "You know you said he would be acting strange and ignoring it. Well what ever your doing I think your going to far." The girl who was flicking stones in the water sighed.

"I know the spell I did is meant to make him insane with desire by placing ideas in his head when he's at his weakest moment I was going to pounce. But I don't think he can't take much more. I'll turn the spell off now." Getting up the girl walked towards the hospital ward to stop her plan she was so sure that it was going to work but Harry was beginning to look like a hunted rabbit more than some one overfilling with desire. She really should check out that spell more. Walking down the hall she headed towards the hospital ward to catch Harry before he headed to dinner. As she turned a corner, the girl was caught completely unaware when she stumbled over a crouching figure crawled up on the floor, rocking backwards and forwards.

It was Harry Potter. Leaning down the girl placed a gentle hand on Harrys shoulder. "Harry, Harry, what's wrong?" His eyes were tightly closed and he had his hands over his ears, she could just hear him muttering.

"Can't hear you, Can't hear you, Can't hear you," As she leant closer Harry jerked away from her touch. This was complete opposite from what she had intended she had so fucked up the spell. Reaching carefully around his head, the Harry Potter fan, quickly picked off the little back star that was the focus of the spell. With this simple movement Harry stoped rocking backwards and forwards as the voices stopped.

"Harry, Harry, what's wrong?" Slowly pulling out of his tight crouch Harry blinked and smiled the voices had stoped. Grabbing the girl that had appeared when the voices stopped Harry hugged them and thanked them.

"Thankyou, thankyou." Looking up he finally noticed who he had grabbed. It was Millicent from Slytheine. Instantly dropping the Slytherine Harry laughed and backed away. "Umm thanks, for waking, I feel asleep, must have had a nightmare. I'll just head to the hospital ward now." With this pathetic excuse Harry turned and ran down the hallway. Sighing Millcent rubbed her face. She had been so close if the spell hadn't ofbeenmaking Harryinsane she was sure it would have worked. At least she had been able to take part in the dreams. Shaking a fist in the air Millicent scowled it was some one else's turn now but she'd have anotherchance later and she would succeed.

Authors Note

I don't quite like the ending, but here you go another chapter. If any one has an idea for the G.S.S, What do you think of the name? I would be really happy to hear it.  
I spell check all my stories, but if it is terrible please become my beta for this story or my other stories, I would really love a beta to read them and point out where I have stuffed up.

Thankyou so much for reviewing the last chapter this is the first new chapter of this story since I changed it from the Kindly Ones. There has also been a chapter added to that story as well so if please check it out.

Thankyou so so so so so so so much for reviewing  
**Insaneserval** - steve irwin is a strange man, who somehow escaped Australia and became famous. I know the mental image of Dudley having sex may disturbe some people, but I think Dudley is more likely to grow hair on his palms then get any.  
**Gasert** -I Like the idea of an illusion spell. I'm not sure of blackmail as Harry never seemed like one to let people do it. That and the G.S.S don't want him to hate them when they finish.  
**Griffendorgirl** - thanks for the name idea what do you think of the Golden Snitch Snatchers. I can just imagine the inspector snooping around Hogwarts with the music going on. I haven't seen the village yet.  
**Anglekitty77** -chickens will be metioned in future chapters  
**Leanne** - thankyou for the review.

PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW I UPDATE MUCH QUICKER WHEN THE PLOT BUNNY IS FEED.


	7. Changing Faces

_Harry Hunting_

_Chapter Seven_

**Changing Faces**

Disclaimer All characters and the such belong to other people. This goes for any of the songs I mention as well. JKR is god all must bow at her pedicured feet.

_The question seldom addressed is where Medusa had snakes. Underarm hair is an even more embarrassing problem when it keeps biting the top of the deodorant bottle.  
-- (Terry Pratchett, Soul Music)_

"A little bit of this, a little bit of that, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, all in the name of love. " The secret dungeon space she had set up her lab in was almost quiet if a muggle radio hadn't of been on. It sat on a shelf next to ingredient's she had been collecting since first year and learnt that student's don't get their own personal work space. Peering into the softly boiling cauldron, she smiled with this she would have definitely gained an extra 50 house points and a pass mark no matter what Snape could say. But love is a much more deserving cause then scholarly pursuits she could always write up a five foot long essay. Lining the walls she had dragged down some old rug's and tapestries from an old store room and the area looked like the back space of an antique store. It had taken her months to gather the material to make this Polyjuice potion and she was going to hand it in for extra marks in Potions but with this challenge propositioned by the group she couldn't pass up the chance to use it to catch Harry Potter for herself. Or as she like to call him, her future monkey sex puppet. She already had sample's of Harry's friends and those close to him. She had not planned on using the Polyjuice potion for this but it payed to be prepared.

_**polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,**_

The main hall was filled with noise and light as the school got down to the serious business of eating and talking to their friends. At the head table Dumbledore and McGonagall could be seen whispering to each other with a keen eyed Sprout leaning into their conversation. Down at the Gryffindor table the golden triangle looked like they had their heads together trying to figure out the next plans of Voldemort. Throughout the hall frustrated looks and voices aimed at the silky haired head of the boy-that's-oblivious to everything, could not be distinguished from the rest of the noise. Closer to the Gryffindor table a perfectly normal teenage conversation could be heard from the golden triangle and friends. "So if you had to have sex with one of the Professor's who would you do?" Neville who had been sipping on his pumpkin juice coughed. Ginny looked at him in concern then laughed.

"Definitely not Snape. It would be too weird." This was from Seamus who was staring intently up at the night sky shown by the magical ceiling.

"oh, come on. He's not that bad. If he would just have a shower once in a while and kept his mouth shut at the right time's it wouldn't be that bad." This was from Hermione who was staring at Ron to see his response.

"Okay, I never want any mental image with anything to do with Snape and him having sex to ever enter my mind." Harry who had been watching his friend's in amusement spoke up "So who would you have sex with if you had to out of all the Professors. Imagine that you're last people left on the planet." Neville had finished cleaning the pumpkin juice off the front of his shirt.

"And you said that muggle's play this sort of word game a lot."

"Oh yeah." Hermione hid the pad and quill she was writing on under the table.

"Well okay then. I think Madam Pomfrey has this women in uniform thing going for her." "No way she's scarier than Snape when you have to go to the hospital." Ron was staring at Neville in amazement. Ginny smiled

"If you like the naughty nurse thing sure. But if I was stuck with only one person it would have to be Madam Hooch or Professor Lupin. He had this whole consumptive Absinthe drinking Victorian poet vibe. Very cute."

"So why Madam Hooch?" Harry asked. "She is so commanding when she yells in Quidditch matches. I could just see here with a horse whip in hand and . . ." Ron shoved a hand over his little sister's mouth.

"Okay enough I don't want to know about my sister's sad sexual perversions." Ginny licked her brother's hand and he pulled away with a cry.

"oh gross. If we were at home you would be so dead." Hermione was laughing with Ginny.

"Don't be like that Ron I've seen you looking at Hooch when she teaches your practically drooling. I bet if she had a whip they'd have to scrap you off the ground at the end of a lesson. " Ron spluttered then grinned.

"Well I've seen you watch Mcgonagall and I don't want to know what you have in mind." Mione poked her tongue out at Ron as from the top table Dumbledore spoke up.

"Student, Ladies Gentlemen, I would like your attention, please." As the hall quieted down. Dumbledore spoke up again.  
"I would like to announce that this year their will be a Halloween dance after the normal feast in two weeks time. This is too be organised by the prefects. They are to conscript help to organise and decorate the hall. Please help them." There is a groan from the hall from those that realise what conscript meant.  
"I would also like to announce that there is too be a prize of 50 house points and a selection of sweets from Honeydukes, for the most imaginative costume." McGonagall looked up at Dumbledore and coughed.  
"Oh, I all most forgot there will be a small cover charge of one sickle in support of those who have lost homes in the war." McGonagall coughed again and nearly sprained her throat.  
"Oh, one more thing, the use of personal magic for your own or other's physical change is not allowed. After a series of unfortunate accidents several years ago. You are allowed to use the professional products produced for costume events." Looking down at McGonagall quickly, then Dumbledore grinned.  
" And I'm sure if you ask kindly a teacher may help you with your costume. That is all I hope you have a good time."

Back at the Gryffindor table Neville grinned. "I heard last year when a costume ball was cancelled. That the reason personal transfiguration spells are banned is because a girl tried this mermaid costume and managed to make herself this half fish half human girl but it was the wrong way around."

"What do you mean?"

"Well she had her own legs and waist but a giant fish head." Everyone stills at the mental. "Well I guess there are advantages to that way around rather then the usual." Everyone stops again to think about what Seamus said.

"Okay, I think you put way too much thought into that." Neville said with a strained look on his face.

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

The potion had been on a steady boil for most of the night and was almost ready. She had a stasis spell ready to hold the portions of the potion she didn't use and all she needed to do was add the sample of hair taken from Harry's friend and she had an hour to grab him and bag him. The radio's music could just be heard over her off-key absentminded singing. "Love is in the air in the whisper of the trees."

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

Harry was sitting in the common room contimplating his Potions work and the 3 foot assignment he had due on the various methods of distillation, muggle and magical. When ever he got an assigment in feet he was glad that the school didn't use the metric system, one foot basically equalled an A4 sheet of paper whereas a meter would be more than three times that. Imperial measurement's rule. Around him were the texts he had managed to get away from Hermione while she completed an assignment for Ancient Runes. Thinking of Hermione Harry saw her walk into the common room, through the portrait entrance. Instead of her usual school jumper and skirt she was wearing a tight green t-shirt and an equally tight pair of soft black pants. With a quiet "Hi" Harry got back to his assignment he really needed to get it finished, it wasn't like he wanted to spend time with Snape.

"Hello Harry." At Hermione's voice Harry's head shot up she was standing right in front of the table he was sitting at. Leaning slightly forward she had both her hands resting on his parchment. "What are you doing Harry." Putting down his quill Harry looked up at his friend inquisitively,

"You know I have an assignment due, and I thought you would be buried under books in the library for that Ancient Runes homework." Sighing Hermione drew a hand back through her hair which Harry noticed was kind of wet and not so fuzzy.

"Harry all work and no play, makes Hermione a dull girl. And I don't want to be dull." Leaning forward over Harry's desk Mione was practically sitting on his work.

" Okay, so what are you up to then?" Stepping backwards she walked around the desk and stood next to his chair leaning over him.

"Well I don't know I thought you might be able to think of something." Looking up Harry grinned.

"I know Fred sent one of their new pranks to test why don't we sneak down to the Slytherine common room under my cloak and let it off when someone opens the door." Mione dropped her head and Harry though her heard her mumble something to do with 'boy's and small things'.

"No, maybe not tonight what I was really thinking is that maybe we could go for a little walk by the lake, just the two of us."

Harry looked at the work surrounding him and thought of the detention he would be getting if he dropped his work. "Oh, I don't think I can. I really don't want to scrub any more cauldrons. Has no one in this world heard of Jif."

"Jif what." Harry had opened a new text book and looked at Hermione in surprise. "Oh you know muggle cleaning liquid, creamy coloured and it smells distinctive." Hermione laughed nervously.

"Oh yeah, I knew that. My mum makes it all the time." Harry laughed.

"Good one Mione, your mum makes it." Hermione laughed nervously then stopped quickly.

" Well I would really like sometime alone with you Harry, cause I think that there are things we need to do." The boy-that-was-completely -oblivious smiled at Hermione,

"Oh what's that?"

"I think that you should come with me to this place I know so we can be private."

"I'm sorry Mione but I can't maybe tomorrow. I really need to get this assignment done." Mione knelt down and placed her hands on Harry's leg. She looked up at him and sighed deeply sliding her hands along his leg.

"Umm Harry what do you think about that walk around the lake. The moon is full it will be really pretty." Shifting in his seat Harry grinned nervously. 'this was it Ron was right that one day all the work would boil her brain. She was officially weird.' Pulling out a ruler Harry measured the paper he had already written on.

"16 inches when I get to two feet. We can go It shouldn't take me more that an other hour." Mione gasped at looked at something in her hand.

"Harry are you sure that you can't come now. I have something important to tell you." Harry sighed.

"Mione I don't know why your trying to drag me away from my work. I can't do it. Go see Ron I think he's up in his room. Just make sure you knock first remember what happened when you didn't." Mione was still staring at her hand and seemed to be counting down and spoke absentmindedly.

"Um yeah I don't want that to happen again."

"Yeah and you kept thinking that I was the one that got him the blow up doll." Hermione's head popped up.

"What." Then she shook her head. "Don't worry. I wish we could have gone for that walk." She stood up leaned into the seated Harry. "Please don't mention this conversation to me again I would be so embarrassed." With this Mione reached down and kissed Harry on the cheek and walked out. Speeding up as she got further away from Harry until she got through the portrait door. Scratching his head Harry sighed. He would never understand people, girls in particular. Right back to the assignment.

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

Rushing back to her lab, the rapidly changing Hermione look alike slammed the door shut and slid down it. She had been so close, if Harry hadn't of been so obliviously. She rubbed a hand over her face, but that just made him cuter. She only had an hour to get the-boy-that-lived into a safe place before the potion wore off and she had taken too long getting ready as Hermione. So when she faced Harry she only had twenty minutes. She was going to plain better next time. It was just going to take her a day or so to get over the first application of the potion. She just hoped that taking so many doses of the polyjuice potion wouldn't react. It didn't mention anything in the text book but it niggled at the back of her mind. The radio was still playing, "This is more than a haircut I wear on my head . . ."

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

It had taken a while but Harry had found a place to be alone down by the lake no one was around and he could get the present he was working on for Ron out of his bag. He was trying to make a miniature broom pour out a tiny smoke trial that would spell words that could expand in size if you wanted. At the moment he couldn't make it shape the letter 's' it just didn't look right. As he settled back on his blanket he peered at the broom and tired to think about what would fix it. A shadow fell across his blanket and he stuffed the floating mini-broom under his jacket. "Hi Harry, what are you up to?" Harry smiled it was Neville

"Oh nothing, I'm just getting Ron's Christmas present ready but I don't think part of the spell is right." Sitting down Neville looked at Harry.

"What are you making?" Harry reached into his jacket and puled out the little broom. "This, it just won't shape an 's' Look." With that he sent the broom up in the sir with the command word and told it to spell six. The word that appeared in red smoke looked like xix not six.

"I see what you mean," Neville sounded intrigued. "I think I can help. With that the two boys spent the next half hour talking about the spell and trying to work out how to fix it.

When they had finally figured out how to make the broom move more distinctively and shape an 's'. Harry looked at Neville in bemusement. "I didn't think that you were into charms that much Neville." Neville's mouth snapped shut.

"Oh yeah, I am I just don't like talking about it much. "

"It's been fun this afternoon to talk like this. Ron is very much sport orientated, and Hermione always has to lecture when you try to talk to her. It's been nice to just to talk." Neville smiled.

"That's good to hear. What are you going to come as for the masquerade?" Harry sighed and stretched his arms up over his head exposing a gap of skin showing his pale flesh and part of his snail trail. He thought he heard Neville swallow loudly.

" Oh I don't know," he turned to face Neville.

"Hey, I didn't know you were growing your hair." Neville brought a hand up to his head. "I'm not." He felt the normal flat hair of Neville but it was slightly longer and coarser. 'Oh no' "Umm Harry I think I have to go now Madam Sprout has a job for me, yeah. That sounds good." As he was lying down Harry stared up at Neville with a disappointed look on his face.

"Oh, Okay. if you have to go I'll see you tonight." Neville started walking backwards. "Yip, I'll see you then." And he walked away quickly.

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

Creeping into a broom closet she had scouted out earlier she undid the buttons on the front of the Neville sized shirt. Guy's shirts were not made for girls. She had been so close, but had been distracted by the talk. It was so good to talk to Harry Potter about something that interested her. What worried her though was that the something had gone wrong with the potion it shouldn't of changed so soon she should have had at least another fifteen minutes as Neville. And when she had looked at her hair it hadn't changed from brown to black as it would if she was turning back to her true form but it looked like Hermione granger's hair. This was not good. If the polyjucie potion was unstable she wouldn't be able to use the last portion of the potion. She was going to have to give up and admit defeat. Her head fell onto her chest then a mental image began to form, of Harry naked kneeling in pool of red rose petals, she bit her bottom lip he was so cute and clueless. Then she could hear the voices of the others in the G.S.S talking about her loss and putting her name next to Milicent, Lavender, and Vincent. No she was going to try again but this time she wasn't going to wait around and talk she was just going to go for it and she had the perfect sample of hair to use.

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

As Harry walked down the hallway to class a hand emerged from a dark abandoned room reached and snagged the back of his robe and dragged him in. Before he could speak a hand was over his mouth and someone turned on the lights. It was Cho Chang. She took the hand away from and pulled him towards a pile of exercise mats piled together. "Umm Cho what are you doing?"

"Well Harry I think you know how I feel about you and think that we should finally find a physical way of expressing our feelings." Harry was confused what the fuck was she talking about.

"Cho I don't know what you mean. I thought we had gone through this we're friends." A surprised look crossed Cho's face and he though he heard her say something about 'crappy Slytherine intelligence.'

"Well I was wrong and I think we should be together right here right now." Grabbing Harry's arm she tossed him on to the mats.

"Hey what do you think your doing?" Cho began to drag her robe off and fell ontop of Harry.

"Harry I think you need to shut up and just let me work." A panicked look passed over the-boy-who-was -going-to-get-lucky.

"Ahh Cho do you know what your doing?" With out a word she placed her mouth over his and slid her tongue over his lips gently slipping through into his mouth. With that he couldn't ask any more questions. Slowly she could feel the tension in his body ease as he brought a hand up to her face and drew it through her hair. As they kissed she placed a hand on his neck and started undoing his tie. When they came up for air, Harry smiled shyly.

"Well if you feel that way." Cho acted quickly before he could say something stupid she couldn't answer. Pulling his jersey over his head she caught his arms and started kissing a trail along his stomach and through the snail trail decorating his belly. Harry squirmed under the ticklish sensation and sighed. Pulling the jumper up further so that it reached just below his nose covering his face she began to kiss him again. As she brought her arms up to pull his sweater over his head so he could see she looked down at her chest and noticed it was unusually flat, for her or Cho. A single thought echoed through her mind. 'Oh Fuck'

Jumping up she stumbled away from Harry unsure what her body was doing that she couldn't see. Bringing her hand to her head she could feel her hair changing texture and length it was making her head ache. Something was going tremendously wrong. Breathing quickly she ran backwards watching Harry work his way out of his jumper, but before he got it away from his eyes she was out of there. Harry watched a leg flew around the corner as Cho ran out of the room. 'what had he done?' Something wasn't right with this. Harry pulled his shirt back on and sat on the soft mats. There had been something fishy going on for the past few weeks he knew it. Not the normal Voldemort induced craziness, this was new. The voices and the kakhi followers, that strange person in the room. Maybe the 'Slighty Dirty Dark Lord' was trying to get him in new strange and unusual ways. He had better keep his eyes open. Sitting up Harry sighed, even if it had been an evil plan to kill him he had been that close to making it with Cho Change, his life sucked.

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

. _. ., people would take pains to tell her that beauty was only skin-deep, as if a man ever fell for an attractive pair of kidneys.  
-- (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade)_

**_polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,polyjuice, polyjuice,_**

Lisa Turpin ran back through the corridor her robe flung over her head. She had been so close to getting Harry Potter. Just a few more minutes and he would have been hers. Tears of frustration crawled down her face. Reaching her little lab she slammed the door shut and collapsed into the cot bed she had set up. No one ever noticed her, being in Ravenclaw she was obviously smart but other's always came off as better in the brains department. She wasn't good looking, she was absently normal. The only chance she had to catch Harry was if she was someone else. Why did the polyjuice potion have to fail just at that moment. As she took a breath all the things she could have done if she hadn't of panicked sped through her mind. She could have turned off the lights, Blindfolded Harry anything. It just wasn't fair. What was she going to say in next weeks meeting? The radio was still burbling along and the words echoed strangely in the small room. " . . . Did you think I would crumble did you think I would lay down and die Oh not I. .I will survive, I will survive, as long as I know how to love I know I'll survive."

Authors Note

Lisa Turpin was my scapegoat for this week she is mentioned in the first books sorting scene and I can't remember if she is mentioned again in any major way. She is sorted into Ravenclaw after Harry is sorted.

I have a few more ideas for the plans of the G.S.S but I am more than willing if anyone has a new and different idea for a way for one of their members to capture Harry.

Of all the songs I have motioned I know they are misquoted and that is for a reason. You can never remember all the words of songs when you are just singing to your self. The first songs I don't know what they are called, but the last two are 'The Haircut' by The Waifs and the second I took from the cover by Cake of 'I will Survive.'

If any one wants to Beta the position is open and I think all my readers would be really grateful as I willingly admit that without advice my writing is strange and unusual at the best.

Thankyou for Reviewing

bsdisaster, and Okazin

123315 - thankyou heaps for the review.The polyjuice Cho is for you. Don't worry the club are going to catch Harry but I have several evil plans yet to unfold before that happens. Cho may or may not be a member I can't tell though that would be cheating. Thankyou for reccomending my stories. I hope they like it.

Check Out My Other Stories. In particular my Harry slash Greek myth inspired 'The Kindly Ones'

PLEASE REVIEW, It is very hard to feed four Plot bunnies with out losing an arm.


	8. THE RULES

**Harry Hunting **

_Chapter Eight_

**THE RULES**

'_They are not so much rules, as guidelines.'_

_Archchancellor Ridcully_

The room was small and crowded as the G.S.S gathered for their bi-weekly meeting. Some one had turned on a radio and cheerful music flowed through the room. Over the chatter and squeals of excited fangirls and fanboys you could barely hear some one cough, no one notices, another cough a little louder, still no one pays any attention. Another cough, this time dislocating something in the coughers throat. Still everyone keeps talking and ignoring them.

"**HARRY POTTER NAKED."**

The room quietens down. Standing in the middle of the room was the self -appointed, because no one else could be bothered. chairmen of the G.S.S. That is the official- unofficial Hogwarts Harry Potter fan club the Golden Snitch Snatchers.

"Right now I have your attention I want to make sure everyone knows the rules of the competition. I have taken the liberty of writing them down, making copies for everyone, and highlighting the important parts. " There is a series of groans as the papers float through the air, and muttering. 'Anal retentive bastard . . . .' They stop when it sounds like a frog with strep throat has entered the room.

"There has been a problem with some people maybe being a little over zealous and running it for other people." Lavender and Millicent don't look in the slightest sorry for themselves.

Lavender stood up and stated to the gathered Potter fans. "And I would have gotten away with it too if was for that darn dog and meddlesome kids."

"Yes thank you Lavender. I want everyone to know the rules and be warned if you break them well I'll transfigure you into Filch's toothbrush and leave you there for a week.

The rules are as follows:

Golden Snitch Snatcher Official Rule Book for the GREAT CHASE, _well it's more like a phamplet but you get the idea_.

Harry is not to be permanently harmed in any way shape of form, mentally, spiritually, or physically. 'So all those that planned on sacrificing your souls or Harry's to the dark lord, evil overlord, or Snuffles the evil piggy, to gain his or Harry's favours please think again.'

**o **You have one week to carry out you fiendish plot, and that is one week starting at midnight Sunday morning going through to the next Sunday If you fail to catch him. "You are not allowed to use a time turner to extend you week indefinitely, that isn't fair on the rest of us."

**o** To win the special dragon skin bound copy of Creevy's greatest uncensored bathroom shots of Harry Potter, fifth edition, you must have proof that you got Harry into the puffy shirt and he stays in it for at least an hour.

Lavender mutters something under her breath about damn three headed dogs.

**o** If you are caught by a teacher or uninitiated member of the student body in carrying out your plan you are to deny all mentions of the G.S.S and act like you have been obliviated. 'We are not the musketeers.' Any one who breaks the code of silence will be transfigured into one of McGonagalls tampons.

**o **You are not to sabotage one anothers plans, just because you didn't get to have hot naked sweaty grinding, . . Pulsing, . . .Pounding . . . . . . "

The chairman began to drool and their eyes stared off into the distance lost in their own special world populated by only them and a very sweaty Harry Potter.

"Some one wake them up, before they make a mess."

A more sensitive member cried The chairman had begun to make strange little whining noises in the back of their throat. With that a worried Ravenclaw sent a quick burst of ice water at their head. Not really where is was most needed but it did the trick anyway. With a start the chairman started talking again

". . . . Sex, you shouldn't ruin it for others.

**o** No one is to be told about this, no unbeliever is to know about what we are doing, they just don't understand, how much we love Harry. And that means no one is to write to their parents or younger siblings about this either. If you break this rule, well I have heard that Hagrid always wanted a soap on a rope.

**o** If you succeed in catching Harry you must stay with him for less than a month, and we must all see the both of you together as a couple. No polyjuice, no illusions, it must be Harry himself not under the influence of magic or drugs" half the room exhales in disappointment." For at least twenty days."

I think that covers everything. So far there has been no success, and we have all had the opportunity to laugh at the failure of Lavender, Vincent, Millicent, and Lisa"

"He's a wily bugger."

"Thank you Vincent. Now that we have covered the rules I would like to move on with the meeting . now has anyone seen the latest newsletter?"

Authors Note

I have just been going back through the story and decided that there needed to be some set rules for the Harry Hunt. I will have a full chapter for this story up at some point. Probably.

Also I realise I should fix the layout of the story and it's problems, but it all depends on the plot bunnies for my other stories, how lazy I feel and my attention span.

I have in the past a wonderful beta but I have lost their email, if they are reading this or if any one else would like to beta this as well I am eager to hear back.

Please review and tell me if you have any suggestions for the Hunt.


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